caustic acrostic

i want everyone to leave me alone. i am sick of people writing mean things in my truth box like they are winning and i am on the losing end. i'm not on the losing end. you have no right to treat me like i am yesterday's trash when you don't even know me.

i wish they would all stop.

why do you have to be anonymous. why can't you say these things to my face. WHY?


i thought about wishing bad upon you. but then again i figure you're far worse off than any terrible fate i could possibly muster for you.

there some things that you just do not do.

thanks.

i'm just so freaking tired. getting ready takes effort. eating takes effort. blah.

i will rise with my red hair,
and i eat men like air.
-plath

i'm the bloodstain
on your shirt sleeve



"don't forget me? "

i'm not listening anymore.

last night mary ella and i ventured downtown. i will admit this now and it was obvious that i just wanted to stay home with my crab rangoons. but mary ella has the ability to incite the revolutionary within me (lol) so i sucked it up and went. first we went to the blind mule. since apparently both on a "friends not enemies" kick, we stayed to watch lydia and the seduction bomb play for all of 25 minutes or so.i got a phone call that made me sad so the rest of the night was pretty much downhill from there.

on the long and winding road to alabama music box, we see 3...4...5? people that sort of make us mutually a little sick to see. those people who you look at and just sort of cringe and turn away. we sat in the park awhile, whilst trying to stay optimistic and realizing i was not leaving anytime soon. so we finally suck it up and admit that torturing ourselves is what we do and walk on down to the box.

the venue itself is pretty. a little open, doesn't have that "omg someone is sweating on me" cellblock feel.really clean. sort of almost clinical in a way. the crowd was interesting, apparently they let the muck from the swamp crawl on their bellies and into the door. but i guess everybody's money is good, even if they lack in every department.

there were moments i was happy, and laughing and felt vindicated. but it was really all sort of sad.kinda sick of going out really. would rather sit home and read. or play music. or listen to music. or sleep. which is what i might do now.

got home too late. don't want to function. do want to eat grease and like hashbrowns with cheese on them and junk.

cccccccocaine. i had a dream last night someone shoved cocaine up my nose. very odd.

And you yell to yourself and you throw down yer hat
Sayin', "Christ do I gotta be like that
Ain't there no one here that knows where I'm at
Ain't there no one here that knows how I feel
Good God Almighty
THAT STUFF AIN'T REAL


if you're going to gut me, stop trailing the knife over my belly and just dig in. i do not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not want to be seen as pathetic as i feel.

ummmmm. it's time to tone it down probably seventeen notches.

last night was the party crashing. so mary ella and i, after much debate of plan and composure, somehow managed to make some delicious SPARKLING whiskey sours. so delicious i eat like four before i realize that someone had handed me a beer and i've been sipping off of richard's white russian for awhile too. i think the crashing "aspect" of the party was definitely established at least because why sitting on the couch, some girl screams "get the fuck out of my party if you ain't gonna dance!" and then i'm like, "yeeeeeeeeeeeeeah." needless to say i made an ass of myself on several occasions including "hey you. you're that dude from my livejournal." and getting a look like "oh my god get this weirdo away from me." but i think i smoothed that one over.

there's other stuff i want to talk about but i can't really get that into words right now because. i don't know because. i just can't. mainly because i don't know what's going on with myself and i am pretty certain i no longer have the capacity to care for someone who cares about me, or says they do because i am obviously one of the characters off of "golden girls".

m.e. let me know you are okay? <3

i have no fucking idea what is going on at any present moment.

i want to be held at night and have someone come up and hug me and know exactly where to rub my back where it aches.

i want something i used to have. that doesn't want me.

LEAVE ME ALONE. STOP SLANDERING ME. AND STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP BEING SUCH A DOUCHE!



STALK THIS, BITCH.


<3 megganemily

i woke up today feeling better than i have in the past week or so, which was really nice. tonight is the CCUSA/BAAKGWAI something else show, so that should be fun.

last night elric and i went with paul and joe to butch cassidy's. mary ella met us there. their nachos are to die for. i ended up getting grilled chicken like i always do. we ended up at carpe just hanging out for awhile,matt brown shows up then kathryn showed up with her friend katherine and we just dicked around for awhile.

we ended up going home pretty early and paul and joe followed us with kathryn, her friend and mary ella going to different places respectively.

then some fucked up shit happened. talking shit about me is one thing, but playing with my friend's emotions is another. (which according to some sources is none of my business) however, being loyal to friends is a priority of mine, so i'll have you know, it's probably in your best interests to stop.

i got a really interestng outfit for tonight, since tomorrow is my birthday i felt it okay to wear heels. so what if it makes me 6'4? it's not fair only little short girls get to wear heels when i'm stuck wearing disgusting flats.

another thing i forgot to talk about was my epidural i got thursday. i went to the orthopedic place, they registered me, gave me those hospital armbands and then came to talk to me. because if was my first time and i was a little gun shy of having folks shoving needles into my epidural space they gave me a valium. this made me sit there blankly making bad jokes to the doctor about them slipping up and whatnot (not a good idea). but anyways, i had the thing done and i have a pretty good pain tolerance. i've had root canals,i've gotten tattoos and a bookoo of peircings, but christ's sakes that motherfucker hurt and burned like the pain of a thousand suns. my lower back has been uncomfortable and i've been hobbling around like and old lady ever since (which is not uncommon for me) so i hope this shit was worth it.

i've come to the conclusion that everyone hates me in mobile. for some reason or another everyone thinks i'm a bitch or "hates me" or thinks i'm terrible or whatever. i am caring more than i did before about it too, because it seems like everywhere i turn someone is talking shit about me, or expressing their disdain for me. should i care? or should it be water off a duck's back?
i know i go bipolar sometimes and don't answer my phone or get in contact for days on end, but i am a good friend otherwise.


elric is my light, my crutch, and my heart. i don't know what i'd do without him.

i'm fucking tired.
i think i may just sleep my birthday away.

if i didn't spend half of my time on the internet stalking, and half of my time LOL'ing i probably wouldn't get online as much at all.

oh shucks, god, when dylan lyrics aren't even good enough to explain something, you know something is definitely, badly wrong. that sentence had way too many fucking commas.

richard touchton and i are having a birthday party on the beach may 16th., his birthday is the fifteenth on a thursday, and mine is the eighteenth on a sunday, we compromised and decided to meet in the middle.

lol. so my cousin completely cut me out of her life. wanna know how? DELETION FROM MYSPACE!!!! -scary music-. i don't know why, but i was so entirely pleased. free at last, free at last, thank god almighty we are free at last.

here is the conversation as follows:
-scene: i'm at chris mitchell's house, hanging out, jill calls
me:"hello?"
jill:"hey are we doing something tonight?"
me:"sure dude, i'm over at mitchell's come on over, we can do something!"
jill:" I DON'T WANT TO GO OVER THERE"- starts bawling crying and hangs up on me-

THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. what a fucking peice of shit. i'm tired of listening to her whinge all the time about being lonely when she does that shit to herself.

fucking cunt. i haven't heard hyde nor hair from her since.

in other news, we played a show saturday and it went well, i think. everyone was nice, the guacamole was good, and we'll definitely do it again.

my sister brought me to macaroni grill today and got me the eggplant parmesan and it was really good.

in addition, no true harm. no foul.

i had a really nice day today.

i woke up, finished a "major research paper" ate a coffee and a banana for breakfast. rode in with elric to town. (yes, town). went to school, ate some sushi, turned in said paper. got my assignment for the final paper. ZERO research. ZERO bullshit. a straight up letter to my teacher about basically what i learned this year. jesus lord it was like christmas.

i'm now talking to paul on AIM about how my songs are simple. he is suggesting i rectify this. i told him it would probably be easier for me to rectify the situation if my sausage fingers could find chords quickly and easily. it's just that. i like to be like "OH I'M FUCKIN' WOODY GUTHRIE, GIMME TWO CHORDS AND A FUCKING BOTTLE OF JIM BEAM" but it's really because i suck at playing. i write poetry. i'm just a poet, i'm not a guitar player.

speaking of stupid poetry, the oracle picked me again to be in the publication this year. they're all like "congratulations, your submission "untitled #3" has been selected!" with like confetti and bows. i wonder if they know i have no idea what poem that is. i'm a little scared. i don't remember what i put out there to be printed in a fucking book. lolz?

so today i went back to the orthopedic dude to get the EMG (?) done. they stuck needles under my skin near my muscles and sent electricity through them. it was supposed to check and see how my herniated disks were affecting my muscle function. oddly enough, the disks don't have the capacity to make the notch i'm always poking on my lower back to make feel better. it's something called like, sacroiliitis? i asked about 1,000 questions, but no one seemed to be knowing any damn answers. they gave me a fucking electro-shock deal that i put on the area of pain.
it feels like electric leeches sucking my back.

that is one part of my life that doesn't seem like my own.

SHOW SATURDAY APRIL 26th. I wish everyone could be there, but it's that whole "school" or "work" thing. hopefully i won't be doing either soon. because i need to take like a mental health 6 months.

i am currently updating from my defunkt laptop. my friends todd and charissa gave me the bright idea to hook up my laptop to a regular computer monitor and press Fn and F5 and the image is coming up on the monitor screen. it's nuts i tell you! i miss my laptopgottdamn.

today tandy, dakota and i went to the beach. it was fun. i swam. my hair smells like jellyfish and salt. dakota got wasted. i was worried. she's still sleeping in my bed in there.

i waited all day for elric to tell me "happy anniversary" all day and he just did about 7 o'clock. he was like, "did you forget?" and i was like "i was waiting on you to tell me first"..."BUT i was waiting for you to tell me first!"

i'm sorry, this is not how these things work. you say first! 2 years, you should know how i operate by now...at least.

tomorrow, i am going to sleep until i can no longer sleep, and then i'm going to sleep some more. then haley and i are going to try and record. i might can do it on here, but that is a big might, because i'm technologically retarded.(hint hint beg beg) yes. that may or may not be a cry for help. apparently my guitar teacher told me today that i was started "not to suck!" (that's verbatim) so i need to get ahold of this power i have unleashed out of nowhere before i start sucking again.

we learned "puff the magic dragon" today in guitar class and my teacher introduced it as "one of those old song's from dylan's age" and i was praying to jesus lord almighty that is was not something stupid.


i started taking the nuerontin last night, and it fucked. my. shit. up. i was so sleepy, but my heart was kind of fluttering so i couldn't sleep. when i took it this morning, i just felt vaguely happy and warm all day. probably not a good thing, when i come to think about it.

in other news, jill is mad because i am "not including" her in the band. i told her it wasn't a band, and she said she wouldn't add us on myspace because it looked like a "bunch of scenetrash" on there. thanks for being supportive dickcheese. i have low enough self esteem as it is without you lopping off the only thread i had.

any day now, i shall be released.

i am currently updating from my defunkt laptop. my friends todd and charissa gave me the bright idea to hook up my laptop to a regular computer monitor and press Fn and F5 and the image is coming up on the monitor screen. it's nuts i tell you! i miss my laptopgottdamn.

today tandy, dakota and i went to the beach. it was fun. i swam. my hair smells like jellyfish and salt. dakota got wasted. i was worried. she's still sleeping in my bed in there.

i waited all day for elric to tell me "happy anniversary" all day and he just did about 7 o'clock. he was like, "did you forget?" and i was like "i was waiting on you to tell me first"..."BUT i was waiting for you to tell me first!"

i'm sorry, this is not how these things work. you say first! 2 years, you should know how i operate by now...at least.

tomorrow, i am going to sleep until i can no longer sleep, and then i'm going to sleep some more. then haley and i are going to try and record. i might can do it on here, but that is a big might, because i'm technologically retarded.(hint hint beg beg) yes. that may or may not be a cry for help. apparently my guitar teacher told me today that i was started "not to suck!" (that's verbatim) so i need to get ahold of this power i have unleashed out of nowhere before i start sucking again.

we learned "puff the magic dragon" today in guitar class and my teacher introduced it as "one of those old song's from dylan's age" and i was praying to jesus lord almighty that is was not something stupid.


i started taking the nuerontin last night, and it fucked. my. shit. up. i was so sleepy, but my heart was kind of fluttering so i couldn't sleep. when i took it this morning, i just felt vaguely happy and warm all day. probably not a good thing, when i come to think about it.

in other news, jill is mad because i am "not including" her in the band. i told her it wasn't a band, and she said she wouldn't add us on myspace because it looked like a "bunch of scenetrash" on there. thanks for being supportive dickcheese. i have low enough self esteem as it is without you lopping off the only thread i had.

any day now, i shall be released.

i'm tired right now. really, really tired.

haley and i got pulled over by a cop last night, who then called for backup. apparently, we look extremely threatening. we ran a red light. this is how the conversation went.
please note i was in a stupor.
haley:" hey do you want mcdonalds?"
meggan:'uggggggggghghgh"
haley: "well megg, i just ran a red light."
meggan:'uhhhhhghghghgh"
haley:" well megg, we're getting pulled over"
meggan:"WHAT THE FUCK" -sits upright-
yay
thankfully he didn't give us a ticket, just told haley to get me to drive home if she was too tired to see lights. lol. i mean that lol in the most freaked out way possible.

sometimes my luck amazes me.
today michael scott came over and cooked me chicken and spaghetti, and now i'm going to warm it up like a good little housewife for my baby daddy. yes,i see the irony in another man cooking my baby's daddy's food, but it is totally normal. it is a very good spaghetti.

in other news, my father has something in his freezer, it's shaped like sausauge and is housed in a camouflage sausage looking container. on the outside it just says "wild game" HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?

i am also hosting a large bar here so if anyone wants to drink themselves into a stupor with me and eat big black mike's spaghetti, please feel free.